Achieve a Winners Attitude..Overcome Self Doubt

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MAN W THUMBS UP

In reality we all need a break from the intensity of complex and stressful relationships from time to time.  That’s not to say, however, that intimate relationship problems don’t require an immediate response of some sort.  They usually do. You might want to respond by saying, “Let’s work through this problem, then we’ll take time to sort out other issues. “  These statements can help you stay calm while gaining time to gather your thoughts so you can make effective decisions.

Overtime, you may decide to call back, have a deep discussion, write a letter, explain your position, or just let the relationship drift off.  It depends on your closeness to the person and the intensity of your dilemma.  Although it’s good to have closure or full healing in relationships, it’s not always possible right away, especially if there appears to be no mutual respect or meeting of the minds.

Sometimes everything clears up years later, and sometimes situations are best left unfinished until you are able to effectively express your feelings and muddle the situation further.  Looking at the “big picture” as well as examining how your buttons are being pushed, may lead you to realize you have internal issues to work out.  The dilemma may be more about you than your relationship problems with the other person.  Overcome self doubt and take time-out from discussing the subject may be a good idea.

  • Consider for a moment the irony in your chattering monkeys.  Oddly enough down the road when you look back, the things you’re going through right now will make some sort of sense in your life story.
  • Choose your mentors well.  Make certain they have sound judgment.  It also makes sense to seek help from people you feel comfortable around and can relate to honestly.  If you are disappointed with the initial help or advice, get another opinion or consider altering your perspective.  When you are seeking help, prepare to receive new ideas and suggestions. Put a ring on your right index finger and let the positive energy flow in.
  • Choose all your future friends and jobs carefully, for they are the vehicles through which you will learn more about yourself.  Be alert for red flags–people or jobs which may represent negative distractions or lessons with high price tags.
  • Do something physical.  Take a long walk, run around the block a few times or play tennis. Once you get started, you may enjoy it. In addition, taking interesting classes, or singing in a chorus will enliven you.  Singing in the shower is a great way for releasing pent-up feelings and energy.  Commit to something physically exerting regularly.
  • Create positive, empowering alternatives for negative ones that pop up in your mind.
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Get Rid of Anger….It’s About Perspective

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Angry woman

Anger is expressed in a variety of ways.  If unchecked, it can negatively affect your physical as well as mental health.  It can also make a situation worse.

Some people explode at the slightest provocation; others direct their anger inappropriately toward someone who may have little or no role in the issue, and there are those who never seem to express anger at all.

How do you handle your anger? 

Do you find yourself getting mad time after time, expressing it in ways that actually make your life worse rather than better?

  • Maybe you tend to blame other for issues that are really yours.
  • Maybe you’re the nice guy right up until you explode, because you have been trying too hard to avoid confrontations.

If you express your anger (or better yet, your feelings) directly toward the “original” source, the better your chances are of getting over it.

In some cases, it is often best to express your feeling toward someone (especially one in authority, who may misunderstand you) by first writing it down.  For example, expressing your anger to your boss in a letter you never send is better than taking your frustration out on your wife.  You may even decide its time to change jobs.

STOP AND TAKE A BREATH…Become part of the positive and safe solution, not part of the problem.  There is nothing wrong in feeling angry.  It’s how you handle your anger that’s important.

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Could you be in a “Double Bind” situation?

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female stressed

Are you paying too high a price for love, affection and positive attention?

When the price tag is too high in any situation you lose dignity, and self esteem.  Here are a few suggestions for getting out of what I call your “double bind“.

What is a Double Bind?

According to Webster, a double bind is “a psychological dilemma in which an ordinarily independent person received conflicting interpersonal communications from a single course or faces disparagement no matter what his response to a situation.”  In other words, you receive contradictory demands or expectations so that any action you take seems to be wrong.  You feel like you’re up against a wall.  (a double bind feels like a no-win situation)

Double-bind situations creep up when you are most vulnerable.  They are subtle and insiduous; they quickly wrap you in a web of confusion.  Often, you do not realize this potentially crazy-making situation until you are deeply involved, and then it appears too late to escape.  Even if you want to let go of the predicament, you can’t.  You feel you have to fix it; it’s your duty to fix it.  How often has THAT happened to you?

Below are a few suggestions to remove yourself….

***Gradual Withdrawal from Being Set Up

When someone continually sets you up for a verbal battle over almost any subject, you have the right to physically and mentally withdraw from the conversation.  You don’t have to be an emotional punching bag.  You know you are successfully handling a double bind when you are conscious that there is no way you can fix the problem except to alter your part in it.

***Take One Step At A Time

Double binds take place in and around our lives almost every day.  Once you recognize you have options, the more empowered you become to effectively handle the situation.

  • Get out of the way, if possible.
  • Keep going as best you can.
  • Come to terms with the fact that there nothing you can do to fix situations for other people, unless they ask for help and truly want to change.
  • Proceed with as little guilt, feelings of inadequacy or self-recrimination as possible.
  • Learn as much as you can from the situation so you can avoid future problems.
  • Recognize what draws you into double binds, maybe you’re being everyone’s “confidant”.
  • Know that many double binds are inevitable and give yourself credit for recognizing when this is the case.

Remember, you do not have to be a sacrificial lamb for someone else’s blind insecurities.

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